If the flowers of a garden were all of one color, the effect would be monotonous to the eye; but if the colors are variegated, it is most pleasing and wonderful. The difference in adornment of color and capacity of reflection among the flowers gives the garden its beauty and charm. Therefore, although we are of different individualities, different in ideas and of various fragrances, let us strive like flowers of the same divine garden to live together in harmony.
That quotation comes from one of the many speeches given by ‘Abdu’l-Bahá during his 1911-12 travels in the United States. He was talking about unity in diversity, a central teaching of the Bahá'í Faith. I like his analogy. It’s easy to picture a garden where all the flowers are, say, red and picture another garden where the flowers are red and purple and blue and yellow and white and orange, and to know that most of us would rather look at the second garden.
Or would we?
The idea for this week’s blog came from two sources: a novel I finished last week, and Thanksgiving. The novel is A Walk Through Fire, William Cobb’s fictional portrayal of the backstory to the ragged beginnings of the U.S. Civil Rights Movement that challenged legal racism and eventually led to the election of a dark skinned president with an African name, an event that was beyond unimaginable in 1960.
I was intrigued by the reasoning of the book’s White characters who believe that anything, even murder, is totally justified when necessary to “protect our way of life.” It’s easy to see these characters’ thinking as evil or stupid but the way they see it is simply self-defense against the threat of change. Throughout the novel many of Cobb’s characters, both Black and White, argue about or warn against or in some other way reject the developing move toward legal equality out of fear that it will take away what they already have and give them something different that they either know or fear they will not like.
Without trying to oversimplify an extremely complex subject, at the moment I’m interested in only one question: why are people so attracted to sameness? Why do we so often want to do things the same way as they’ve been done before? Why do so many of us on this small planet find such security in sameness that we completely reject others who are unlike us? Why does this fear of difference or love of sameness or whatever it is afflict humankind throughout history in every part of the world?
OK, I guess those were four questions if you want to get technical about it. And they are certainly not new or unique questions, they just happen to be what was on my mind this week.
So where does Thanksgiving come in? Right here.
“Tradition” from Fiddler on the Roof would be a good theme song for the Thanksgiving-Christmas-New Year’s part of our calendar, because so much homage is paid to preserving old patterns of celebration, returning to former times, and keeping everything the same, as if sameness were the key to harmony and love and faith. I don’t believe it is. Neither is constant change, of course, that would be chaos, but an appreciation for the value of change needs to balance the prevailing wisdom that a good holiday is a traditional holiday. Change, after all, is the pre-eminent condition of life.
This phenomenal world will not remain in an unchanging condition even for a short while. Second after second it undergoes change and transformation. Every foundation will finally become collapsed; every glory and splendor will at last vanish and disappear, but the Kingdom of God is eternal and the heavenly sovereignty and majesty will stand firm, everlasting. Hence in the estimation of a wise man the mat in the Kingdom of God is preferable to the throne of the government of the world.
That thought also came from ‘Abdu’l-Bahá. And again at the risk of sounding simplistic, I see this principle operating even in something as mundane as a Thanksgiving dinner. In this case, it was the dinner I enjoyed at my daughter’s home. About the only tradition that we honored was the fact that we came together to eat food.
It was a potluck meal that included two kinds of chili, Korean rice noodles with vegetables, homemade Chinese dumplings, corn muffins, fruit, rice, veggies, and an experimental mushroom-pineapple concoction. No sweet potatoes. No cranberries. No stuffing. No mashed potatoes or gravy. No Cool Whip-Jello mold. And turkey (ground, not carved) only made an appearance in one of the chili recipes. The group included family and friends, young and old, American and Asian, people who were already well acquainted and others who first met that day, a truck driver, a one-man-band performer, a composer, College of Education doctoral students, a home schooling mom. We played Uno, learned about African drumming, discussed educational issues, spent an inordinate amount of time and brain power deciphering a complicated logic puzzle, and sometimes laughed till we cried “uncle.”
Nobody watched a football game on TV. The only pumpkins in the house were painted ones, compliments of my grandsons. We plopped the food on the kitchen table in no particular order and sat down to eat on any chair or piece of floor we could find. Sameness, 0. Unity in diversity, definitely a 10. Maybe even a little piece of the Kingdom of God.
Really, an altogether lovely afternoon that --
Wait a minute. Did I say there was no stuffing? No? Stuffing? NO STUFFING???? Now that’s going too far. There are some things that should never change!
-30-
Sunday, November 29, 2009
Sunday, November 22, 2009
Pizza tales
The other day at work a student from Egypt told me that ordering a pizza for a home meal is not a common experience in his country, which started me thinking about pizza and how ingrained it is in our national life style, and that got me thinking about my personal history with it. Kind of a circular history, since I’ve pretty much ended up back where I started.
And where is that? Since you asked, I’ll tell you.
Some of my younger readers (do I have any of those?) might be surprised to know that even someone (ahem) as young as me can remember a time before pizza became our unofficial national food. According to the Ultimate Authority (also known as Wikopedia), pizza started to become a common American food in the mid 1950’s. Not in Springfield, Illinois, though. It must have been around 1954 that my Aunt Dora and her daughter came to visit from St. Louis, Missouri, and were absolutely scandalized to learn that not only did our town not have any place from which to order this pseudo-Italian delicacy, but that my mother had no idea what a pizza was. No, wait, I must be remembering this wrong. Not about my mother, about the pizza availability situation. We had to have at least one pizzeria in town by then, maybe a tiny shop on a dark corner in an otherwise empty part of town where we had never ventured, because somehow Aunt Dora found it and brought pizza into our home for the first time. Our reaction? Yech! We did not like it, not at all.
I felt like the main character in Green Eggs and Ham, even though that book hadn’t yet been published. “I do not like this pizza pie, I do not like it, that’s no lie. I don’t like pizza hot or cold. I don’t like pizza new or old. I do not like it with a pop. I do not like it so please stop. I do not like it, Auntie dear. You can have the rest. Here!”
Eventually my mother decided that since most of the country was becoming pizza crazed, maybe the stuff couldn’t be all bad. She wasn’t about to spend money ordering it ready made, though. Instead she would go to the grocery store and buy do-it-yourself pizza. The ingredients for the dough were in a box, and maybe the tomato sauce, but apparently not the cheese because she used to make it with American cheese. Somehow that didn’t enhance pizza’s taste value for me. “I don’t like pizza from a box, I’d rather have a bagel and lox. I don’t like pizza with this cheese, so you can take my portion, please!”
A few years later, my father hooked up with a man named Bernie who was a chef from Chicago and together they opened a small pizza restaurant in Springfield. They called it Bernie and Betty’s, which I guess they figured would sound somewhat more euphonious than Dave and Molly’s, if not more Italian. Bernie’s pizza is what finally won me over. His pies were topped with giant pieces of green pepper and onion and mushroom, and some kind of really yummy seasoning. The sauce was delicious. The cheese was great. The crust was just right. I loved the stuff! So much that for many years I didn’t like anyone else’s pizza. I’d eat it, of course – Pizza Hut or Shakey’s or whatever if that’s all I could get – but always with wistful remembrance of Bernie’s creations.
I wasn’t alone in my admiration. More than once – meaning at least twice – I overheard strangers discussing the pizza options in Springfield and raving about Bernie and Betty’s. Bernie died long ago but when my dad sold the restaurant he also sold the recipe, so Bernie’s pizza has lived on after him in all its unique glory. (The restaurant is still there, with the same name, much larger now and with a full menu of pasta dishes and such.)
It’s all my dad’s and Bernie’s fault, therefore, that I became a typical American pizza addict, always happy for an excuse to order and, no longer living in Springfield, willing to call or visit just about any restaurant. Except one. Which shall remain nameless. My daughter and I ordered from that place one night when we were living in the Chicago area. I don’t know why I went along with calling them since I already knew I didn’t like their product. And when it came, I took maybe two bites and quit. Me, quit eating? That’s unheard of. Except now you’ve all heard of it, but it’s probably the only time that ever happened. But heck, the stuff tasted like cardboard covered with tomato sauce. It’s a good thing for this particular chain that my opinion was the minority one, because amazingly (to me) it’s still in business,
Now we get to the day in 1999 when I became a delivery driver for Pizza Hut. This was in Galesburg, Illinois where I was finding it very difficult to get a job that provided a livable wage, and having become used to living on tips as a waitress, was willing to try doing the same as a driver. I worked there for 16 months, until I moved to Urbana after the Fast Food Hell accident you read about last week. And that experience was probably the beginning of the end of my love affair with pizza. First because it was way too available. Every time the cooks made a mistake, such as putting the wrong topping on a pizza someone had ordered, they would place the mistake on a table in the delivery area and we were all welcome to it. And the cooks made enough mistakes – inadvertently or (maybe?) on purpose – to provide a continuous selection of pies for employee munching. In that environment I quickly stopped thinking of pizza as a special fun food.
Plus I was dazed and amazed and appalled to learn how much America depends on pizza. Many households would order pizza as their family meal three or four times a week. Ordinary people, as far as I could tell. Where did they get that kind of money? And when were they getting any real nutrition? And why didn’t they tip better?
OK, just kidding about that last one. Actually tipping was pretty good. Some of the drivers would grouse loud and long whenever they got “stiffed,” but I sided with the ones who preferred to take it all in stride. After all, I had basically lived on tips for five years as a waitress, and had learned to accept the bad with the good and be happy as long as it all evened out. Also in that job tips were pretty much everything because waitress minimum hourly wage was legally several dollars below regular minimum wage. As a driver, on the other hand, I got less in tips but earned standard minimum wage as well as gas allowance. And of course all the pizza I could eat. Can’t forget that.
Delivering anything in Galesburg is quite a challenge because whoever laid out the town and assigned street numbers to the houses must not have known how to count. In most towns, at least ones where I’ve lived, the houses are numbered pretty logically. If the first one is 1401, the next one is 1403, then comes 1405, and so on. In Galesburg, it’s more likely to go like this. 1411, 1419, 1427, 1429, 1441, and then on the next corner, 1444. I’m not kidding. Just try finding 1444, where they are expecting hot pizza in a reasonable amount of time, when you can’t use basic math to calculate which house it will be and can’t see the house numbers because they are too small or too dark or hidden behind tree branches, or all three.
Another test of skill for Galesburg delivery drivers are the trains. Galesburg started out as a railroad town and must have more train tracks per capita than any city in the U.S. In order to get your deliveries made in a timely fashion, you had to calculate how to avoid streets crossed by train tracks and instead choose streets that ran under tracked viaducts. But sometimes there were just no good option. One day I literally was unable to get to my customer. Every way I tried to go was blocked by a million-mile long train that either wasn’t moving or was moving very slowly. I was triangulated by three different tracks. Me and a rapidly cooling pizza, destined for a hungry and unhappy and soon to be unhappier diner when he or she bit into a cold pizza.
Then there are the dogs. Dogs are an occupational hazard for delivery people, at least for delivery people like yours truly who doesn’t much like dogs and basically is scared of them. There was a family who lived out in the country, one of the families who ordered about every other day. The first time I drove into their yard (yard, no driveway) my car was immediately surrounded by four or five large and loudly barking canines. No way was I getting out of that car. Since I didn’t have a cell phone at the time, I just sat there and waited for someone in the house to notice all the barking and come out to check. The mom finally did, and of course she said, it’s OK, come on out, the dogs won’t hurt you, they’re very friendly. Yeah. Sure. I wasn’t buying it. If she wanted her pizza order she’d have to come to me. And she did, but not gladly. I delivered there a couple more times but never left my car, and clearly that woman didn’t like me much.
The vindication for my attitude towards dogs came one night about 11:00 p.m. when I knocked on a door and was greeted by some truly fierce barking and growling accompanied by intense scrabbling of sharp-sounding claws against wood. I expected to hear the usual (and totally unreliable) “it’s OK, the dog won’t hurt you, he’s very friendly,” but instead a voice on the other side of the door nervously instructed me to walk across the porch and wait at a different door. “The dog really wants to hurt you,” the owner said when he came out to get his order. And it definitely sounded like if I had stayed much longer at the first door, that animal would have forced his way through it and eaten me, with the pizza for dessert.
I was still shaking and quaking about my close call with canine drivercide when I returned to the restaurant and learned that the cooks had made one of their mistakes and I had delivered a different pizza than the customer wanted. Which meant I had to go back to that house and deliver the correct order and give that dog another chance to devour me. And the worst part? These second trips to correct cooks’ mistakes never meant second tips for the driver, while at the same time they kept her/him from delivering to a potentially tipping customer. Killer canines and no tips. What a job!
After I left Galesburg (remember the Fast Food Hell accident from last week’s blog?), my slow evolution toward eventually becoming mostly vegan began. Vegans are vegetarians who don’t eat any animal products, including dairy, so now I haven’t had even a taste of pizza for over two years and have basically come back full circle to my nine-year-old opinion. If someone here sold a good, healthy vegan pizza, with a palatable vegan cheese substitute, I’d probably love it. But so far I haven’t found a vegan cheese that doesn’t taste like wallpaper paste.
Hmmm, maybe I should suggest to that chain which shall remain nameless that they make a vegan alternative. Wallpaper paste on cardboard. Who knows, I might like it. Stranger things have happened.
-30-
And where is that? Since you asked, I’ll tell you.
Some of my younger readers (do I have any of those?) might be surprised to know that even someone (ahem) as young as me can remember a time before pizza became our unofficial national food. According to the Ultimate Authority (also known as Wikopedia), pizza started to become a common American food in the mid 1950’s. Not in Springfield, Illinois, though. It must have been around 1954 that my Aunt Dora and her daughter came to visit from St. Louis, Missouri, and were absolutely scandalized to learn that not only did our town not have any place from which to order this pseudo-Italian delicacy, but that my mother had no idea what a pizza was. No, wait, I must be remembering this wrong. Not about my mother, about the pizza availability situation. We had to have at least one pizzeria in town by then, maybe a tiny shop on a dark corner in an otherwise empty part of town where we had never ventured, because somehow Aunt Dora found it and brought pizza into our home for the first time. Our reaction? Yech! We did not like it, not at all.
I felt like the main character in Green Eggs and Ham, even though that book hadn’t yet been published. “I do not like this pizza pie, I do not like it, that’s no lie. I don’t like pizza hot or cold. I don’t like pizza new or old. I do not like it with a pop. I do not like it so please stop. I do not like it, Auntie dear. You can have the rest. Here!”
Eventually my mother decided that since most of the country was becoming pizza crazed, maybe the stuff couldn’t be all bad. She wasn’t about to spend money ordering it ready made, though. Instead she would go to the grocery store and buy do-it-yourself pizza. The ingredients for the dough were in a box, and maybe the tomato sauce, but apparently not the cheese because she used to make it with American cheese. Somehow that didn’t enhance pizza’s taste value for me. “I don’t like pizza from a box, I’d rather have a bagel and lox. I don’t like pizza with this cheese, so you can take my portion, please!”
A few years later, my father hooked up with a man named Bernie who was a chef from Chicago and together they opened a small pizza restaurant in Springfield. They called it Bernie and Betty’s, which I guess they figured would sound somewhat more euphonious than Dave and Molly’s, if not more Italian. Bernie’s pizza is what finally won me over. His pies were topped with giant pieces of green pepper and onion and mushroom, and some kind of really yummy seasoning. The sauce was delicious. The cheese was great. The crust was just right. I loved the stuff! So much that for many years I didn’t like anyone else’s pizza. I’d eat it, of course – Pizza Hut or Shakey’s or whatever if that’s all I could get – but always with wistful remembrance of Bernie’s creations.
I wasn’t alone in my admiration. More than once – meaning at least twice – I overheard strangers discussing the pizza options in Springfield and raving about Bernie and Betty’s. Bernie died long ago but when my dad sold the restaurant he also sold the recipe, so Bernie’s pizza has lived on after him in all its unique glory. (The restaurant is still there, with the same name, much larger now and with a full menu of pasta dishes and such.)
It’s all my dad’s and Bernie’s fault, therefore, that I became a typical American pizza addict, always happy for an excuse to order and, no longer living in Springfield, willing to call or visit just about any restaurant. Except one. Which shall remain nameless. My daughter and I ordered from that place one night when we were living in the Chicago area. I don’t know why I went along with calling them since I already knew I didn’t like their product. And when it came, I took maybe two bites and quit. Me, quit eating? That’s unheard of. Except now you’ve all heard of it, but it’s probably the only time that ever happened. But heck, the stuff tasted like cardboard covered with tomato sauce. It’s a good thing for this particular chain that my opinion was the minority one, because amazingly (to me) it’s still in business,
Now we get to the day in 1999 when I became a delivery driver for Pizza Hut. This was in Galesburg, Illinois where I was finding it very difficult to get a job that provided a livable wage, and having become used to living on tips as a waitress, was willing to try doing the same as a driver. I worked there for 16 months, until I moved to Urbana after the Fast Food Hell accident you read about last week. And that experience was probably the beginning of the end of my love affair with pizza. First because it was way too available. Every time the cooks made a mistake, such as putting the wrong topping on a pizza someone had ordered, they would place the mistake on a table in the delivery area and we were all welcome to it. And the cooks made enough mistakes – inadvertently or (maybe?) on purpose – to provide a continuous selection of pies for employee munching. In that environment I quickly stopped thinking of pizza as a special fun food.
Plus I was dazed and amazed and appalled to learn how much America depends on pizza. Many households would order pizza as their family meal three or four times a week. Ordinary people, as far as I could tell. Where did they get that kind of money? And when were they getting any real nutrition? And why didn’t they tip better?
OK, just kidding about that last one. Actually tipping was pretty good. Some of the drivers would grouse loud and long whenever they got “stiffed,” but I sided with the ones who preferred to take it all in stride. After all, I had basically lived on tips for five years as a waitress, and had learned to accept the bad with the good and be happy as long as it all evened out. Also in that job tips were pretty much everything because waitress minimum hourly wage was legally several dollars below regular minimum wage. As a driver, on the other hand, I got less in tips but earned standard minimum wage as well as gas allowance. And of course all the pizza I could eat. Can’t forget that.
Delivering anything in Galesburg is quite a challenge because whoever laid out the town and assigned street numbers to the houses must not have known how to count. In most towns, at least ones where I’ve lived, the houses are numbered pretty logically. If the first one is 1401, the next one is 1403, then comes 1405, and so on. In Galesburg, it’s more likely to go like this. 1411, 1419, 1427, 1429, 1441, and then on the next corner, 1444. I’m not kidding. Just try finding 1444, where they are expecting hot pizza in a reasonable amount of time, when you can’t use basic math to calculate which house it will be and can’t see the house numbers because they are too small or too dark or hidden behind tree branches, or all three.
Another test of skill for Galesburg delivery drivers are the trains. Galesburg started out as a railroad town and must have more train tracks per capita than any city in the U.S. In order to get your deliveries made in a timely fashion, you had to calculate how to avoid streets crossed by train tracks and instead choose streets that ran under tracked viaducts. But sometimes there were just no good option. One day I literally was unable to get to my customer. Every way I tried to go was blocked by a million-mile long train that either wasn’t moving or was moving very slowly. I was triangulated by three different tracks. Me and a rapidly cooling pizza, destined for a hungry and unhappy and soon to be unhappier diner when he or she bit into a cold pizza.
Then there are the dogs. Dogs are an occupational hazard for delivery people, at least for delivery people like yours truly who doesn’t much like dogs and basically is scared of them. There was a family who lived out in the country, one of the families who ordered about every other day. The first time I drove into their yard (yard, no driveway) my car was immediately surrounded by four or five large and loudly barking canines. No way was I getting out of that car. Since I didn’t have a cell phone at the time, I just sat there and waited for someone in the house to notice all the barking and come out to check. The mom finally did, and of course she said, it’s OK, come on out, the dogs won’t hurt you, they’re very friendly. Yeah. Sure. I wasn’t buying it. If she wanted her pizza order she’d have to come to me. And she did, but not gladly. I delivered there a couple more times but never left my car, and clearly that woman didn’t like me much.
The vindication for my attitude towards dogs came one night about 11:00 p.m. when I knocked on a door and was greeted by some truly fierce barking and growling accompanied by intense scrabbling of sharp-sounding claws against wood. I expected to hear the usual (and totally unreliable) “it’s OK, the dog won’t hurt you, he’s very friendly,” but instead a voice on the other side of the door nervously instructed me to walk across the porch and wait at a different door. “The dog really wants to hurt you,” the owner said when he came out to get his order. And it definitely sounded like if I had stayed much longer at the first door, that animal would have forced his way through it and eaten me, with the pizza for dessert.
I was still shaking and quaking about my close call with canine drivercide when I returned to the restaurant and learned that the cooks had made one of their mistakes and I had delivered a different pizza than the customer wanted. Which meant I had to go back to that house and deliver the correct order and give that dog another chance to devour me. And the worst part? These second trips to correct cooks’ mistakes never meant second tips for the driver, while at the same time they kept her/him from delivering to a potentially tipping customer. Killer canines and no tips. What a job!
After I left Galesburg (remember the Fast Food Hell accident from last week’s blog?), my slow evolution toward eventually becoming mostly vegan began. Vegans are vegetarians who don’t eat any animal products, including dairy, so now I haven’t had even a taste of pizza for over two years and have basically come back full circle to my nine-year-old opinion. If someone here sold a good, healthy vegan pizza, with a palatable vegan cheese substitute, I’d probably love it. But so far I haven’t found a vegan cheese that doesn’t taste like wallpaper paste.
Hmmm, maybe I should suggest to that chain which shall remain nameless that they make a vegan alternative. Wallpaper paste on cardboard. Who knows, I might like it. Stranger things have happened.
-30-
Sunday, November 15, 2009
Cranksgiving and other bits of tid
Thoughts rumbling through my brain tonight …
Cranksgiving
It’s a great way to combine recreational biking with service and charity. We had our second local Cranksgiving ride yesterday, on a lovely, unseasonably warm and happily dry day. The idea is to pick one store in each of four zones which together pretty well cover the whole city (or twin cities, in our case), then buy at least one of the designated items at each store: tuna or soup in Zone 1, for example, or canned corn or sweet potatoes in Zone 4. Riders could choose to buy as little or as much as they could stuff in their backpacks and baskets and, in some cases, bike trailers. At least half the fun is hooking up with other riders and plotting the best routes and strategy. Our group numbered 7, including one couple on a tandem bike and one guy on a recumbent three-wheeler, and our plan of attack was designed to get us from place to place with the least amount of cycling in traffic and to make our last stop the store closest to the finish point. We didn’t bike a huge amount of miles, less than 20 probably, but while most people think central Illinois is flat, cyclists know that there are lots of uphill, or at least upslope, places, and pushing your bike up and against a hefty wind at the same time that you are hauling several extra pounds of canned goods can be mighty challenging. So next Cranksgiving I hope to remember to buy just a couple things at each of the first three stores and save the bulk of purchases for the store that’s only a few blocks from Cranksgiving central. It’s asking a lot, though, for me to remember something for a whole year, especially since yesterday I couldn’t even remember (with instructions in hand) which items had to be purchased in which zones! No matter. Zone accuracy notwithstanding, it all contributed to the pile of items waiting to be transported to the food bank.
Been there, done that
Maybe one reason I like participating in Cranksgiving is that there have been a couple times in past years – long past, thankfully – when I needed food bank assistance. In both cases the Salvation Army was my personal salvation. Hooray for the Army!
Cleanliness is next to miraculous!
My financial situation is fortunately much better these days, which is why I’ve recently started doing something I’ve wanted to do for many years but never thought would be possible – paying someone else to clean my house. Not the whole house, and not every day, actually just two hours a week. But what she gets done and done well in two hours beats anything I could manage in a whole day, even if I were so inclined. The first two or three times she came, she took care of big projects that had been neglected to the point of disgust, like cleaning and organizing the utility area, degreasing the walls around the stove and attacking the growing cultures inside the refrigerator. Now we’re into basic maintenance, and let me tell you, it is an absolute joy to leave a sticky kitchen floor in the morning and come home to a sparkling clean one at the end of the work day. My miracle worker is a graduate student and won’t be around for a month or so during winter break. I’m considering moving to a motel for the duration!
Good reads about basic assumptions
The underlying question in the whole health care reform debate, according to author T. R. Reid, is whether or not we believe that every American deserves equal access to medical care when needed. That’s the question he raises in The Healing of America, a comprehensive and (I think) objective comparison of other countries’ health care systems with ours. He doesn’t endorse any one system and points out that there are lots of ways to achieve the same goal if we ever manage to agree on that goal.
On a different front, another assumption that has been basic to the development of our culture has been, to put it bluntly, Blacks don’t belong here. When historian James Loewen started the research for Sundown Towns he expected to find only a few hundred places that had told African-Americans and sometimes others (Jews, Native Americans, Chinese immigrants) to get out of town before sundown, or else. Instead he found thousands of cities and towns and suburbs all over the country that had such laws, and in many cases still have them, either outright legislated or accepted unofficially by their citizens – places where even President Obama would not be welcome to spend the night if he popped in on his own without a Secret Service entourage. Check it out, it’s quite an eye-opener.
Fear of success
Scary moment: hitting the submit button to send my master’s program application on its way to the admissions reviewers. Surprising moment: realizing the scary part was not fear of rejection but omigoshwhatiftheyacceptmeandIactuallyhavetodoit!
Half-formed thoughts tripping lightly through my brain which might one day grow up to become complete blogs …
Why does almost every student and faculty member and applicant who stops by my desk or calls on the phone start by saying they have “a quick question”? What is a quick question? What is a not-quick question? Is one better than the other? Does a quick question mean a question that only requires a quick answer? “Yep?” “Nope?” “Maybe?” “Ask me again next week?” I have no idea why “quick question” is such a popular phrase. Maybe you do. In that case, do you mind if I ask you a quick question …
I also wonder about another interesting bit of human behavior, a kind of herd instinct involved in going through doors. If there is a choice of three side-by-side doors, as in the main library on the campus where I work, and 10 people are all heading toward them, wouldn’t you think they would fan out and use all three doors? I mean really, wouldn’t that make sense? Instead what I see repeatedly is nine people following one person through one door while completely ignoring the other two. Why? OK, so this isn’t exactly an earth-shaking problem, but I’d still like to know the answer. If you are aware of someone who might know, please tell me so I can ask them a quick question.
And what do people mean when they say “have a good” day or night? What constitutes “good” in this instance? And if you’re running into the grocery store at 10:00 p.m. to pick up one onion, isn’t it a little late for the cashier to wish you a good evening? Then there are the people who say “Have a good one.” A good -- what? OK, I know everyone means well or at least that there is nothing sinister about this or the other above mentioned behavior quirks. But you know, I just can’t help wondering.
In case you are wondering why you are still reading this disjointed blog, let me just end it here and say good night. Have a good week!
-30-
Cranksgiving
It’s a great way to combine recreational biking with service and charity. We had our second local Cranksgiving ride yesterday, on a lovely, unseasonably warm and happily dry day. The idea is to pick one store in each of four zones which together pretty well cover the whole city (or twin cities, in our case), then buy at least one of the designated items at each store: tuna or soup in Zone 1, for example, or canned corn or sweet potatoes in Zone 4. Riders could choose to buy as little or as much as they could stuff in their backpacks and baskets and, in some cases, bike trailers. At least half the fun is hooking up with other riders and plotting the best routes and strategy. Our group numbered 7, including one couple on a tandem bike and one guy on a recumbent three-wheeler, and our plan of attack was designed to get us from place to place with the least amount of cycling in traffic and to make our last stop the store closest to the finish point. We didn’t bike a huge amount of miles, less than 20 probably, but while most people think central Illinois is flat, cyclists know that there are lots of uphill, or at least upslope, places, and pushing your bike up and against a hefty wind at the same time that you are hauling several extra pounds of canned goods can be mighty challenging. So next Cranksgiving I hope to remember to buy just a couple things at each of the first three stores and save the bulk of purchases for the store that’s only a few blocks from Cranksgiving central. It’s asking a lot, though, for me to remember something for a whole year, especially since yesterday I couldn’t even remember (with instructions in hand) which items had to be purchased in which zones! No matter. Zone accuracy notwithstanding, it all contributed to the pile of items waiting to be transported to the food bank.
Been there, done that
Maybe one reason I like participating in Cranksgiving is that there have been a couple times in past years – long past, thankfully – when I needed food bank assistance. In both cases the Salvation Army was my personal salvation. Hooray for the Army!
Cleanliness is next to miraculous!
My financial situation is fortunately much better these days, which is why I’ve recently started doing something I’ve wanted to do for many years but never thought would be possible – paying someone else to clean my house. Not the whole house, and not every day, actually just two hours a week. But what she gets done and done well in two hours beats anything I could manage in a whole day, even if I were so inclined. The first two or three times she came, she took care of big projects that had been neglected to the point of disgust, like cleaning and organizing the utility area, degreasing the walls around the stove and attacking the growing cultures inside the refrigerator. Now we’re into basic maintenance, and let me tell you, it is an absolute joy to leave a sticky kitchen floor in the morning and come home to a sparkling clean one at the end of the work day. My miracle worker is a graduate student and won’t be around for a month or so during winter break. I’m considering moving to a motel for the duration!
Good reads about basic assumptions
The underlying question in the whole health care reform debate, according to author T. R. Reid, is whether or not we believe that every American deserves equal access to medical care when needed. That’s the question he raises in The Healing of America, a comprehensive and (I think) objective comparison of other countries’ health care systems with ours. He doesn’t endorse any one system and points out that there are lots of ways to achieve the same goal if we ever manage to agree on that goal.
On a different front, another assumption that has been basic to the development of our culture has been, to put it bluntly, Blacks don’t belong here. When historian James Loewen started the research for Sundown Towns he expected to find only a few hundred places that had told African-Americans and sometimes others (Jews, Native Americans, Chinese immigrants) to get out of town before sundown, or else. Instead he found thousands of cities and towns and suburbs all over the country that had such laws, and in many cases still have them, either outright legislated or accepted unofficially by their citizens – places where even President Obama would not be welcome to spend the night if he popped in on his own without a Secret Service entourage. Check it out, it’s quite an eye-opener.
Fear of success
Scary moment: hitting the submit button to send my master’s program application on its way to the admissions reviewers. Surprising moment: realizing the scary part was not fear of rejection but omigoshwhatiftheyacceptmeandIactuallyhavetodoit!
Half-formed thoughts tripping lightly through my brain which might one day grow up to become complete blogs …
Why does almost every student and faculty member and applicant who stops by my desk or calls on the phone start by saying they have “a quick question”? What is a quick question? What is a not-quick question? Is one better than the other? Does a quick question mean a question that only requires a quick answer? “Yep?” “Nope?” “Maybe?” “Ask me again next week?” I have no idea why “quick question” is such a popular phrase. Maybe you do. In that case, do you mind if I ask you a quick question …
I also wonder about another interesting bit of human behavior, a kind of herd instinct involved in going through doors. If there is a choice of three side-by-side doors, as in the main library on the campus where I work, and 10 people are all heading toward them, wouldn’t you think they would fan out and use all three doors? I mean really, wouldn’t that make sense? Instead what I see repeatedly is nine people following one person through one door while completely ignoring the other two. Why? OK, so this isn’t exactly an earth-shaking problem, but I’d still like to know the answer. If you are aware of someone who might know, please tell me so I can ask them a quick question.
And what do people mean when they say “have a good” day or night? What constitutes “good” in this instance? And if you’re running into the grocery store at 10:00 p.m. to pick up one onion, isn’t it a little late for the cashier to wish you a good evening? Then there are the people who say “Have a good one.” A good -- what? OK, I know everyone means well or at least that there is nothing sinister about this or the other above mentioned behavior quirks. But you know, I just can’t help wondering.
In case you are wondering why you are still reading this disjointed blog, let me just end it here and say good night. Have a good week!
-30-
Sunday, November 8, 2009
Wham!
If my friend’s car accident last week served as an answer to a prayer – mine, not hers – it wouldn’t be the first time that particular delivery system was used to send me a message from wherever such messages come. The other time this happened was nine years ago, when I was trying to decide whether to move to Urbana, and the message was “so go already!”
Car accidents have been much too common events in my life. Eight times too common, if I’m remembering all of them. No one who ever rode with me would dispute that I’m a lousy driver. I wouldn’t even dispute it. Yet only two of those eight incidents were my fault. Honest. I’ll prove it.
There was the time that my then 4-year-old daughter and I were on our way from Chicago to Springfield on I-55 (or was that section of highway still called Route 66 back then?) and about halfway there a deer – one that was larger than the Volkswagon Beetle I was driving – leaped out from the side of the road right in front of us. Wham! “Mommy, mommy, look at the big brown dog!” Shock. Surprise that we are still moving. Confusion: what do I do now? Was it really a dog?
OK, I knew it wasn’t a dog. And I soon figured out that we were very lucky, because when it hit my car (I refuse to say that the car hit it) the only point of connection was my driver’s side headlight with the deer’s hip. It was able to finish crossing the road without colliding with any other car and my teeny vehicle, along with the two of us in it, was not crushed into oblivion. Of course, the deer didn’t have insurance, but you can’t win ‘em all.
Later that same year, after we had traded in the Volkswagon for a Ford something-or-other, same daughter and I were crossing an Evanston intersection on a green light and suddenly we weren’t. Crossing, that is. A woman coming the other way, distracted because she was late for the closing on her first house, failed to see her red light in time to stop safely on wet pavement and plowed into us instead. Wham! Seatbelts and child carriers were not required at that time, so my daughter, who was sitting unattached in the front seat, bounced up and down several times, hitting her head against the ceiling of the car each time she went up. Fortunately the hospital found nothing wrong. For those of you who know her, though, now you see where she gets all her bounciness. (Yes, I really said that!)
A couple years later I was sitting – sitting, mind you, not driving – in the correct lane with my left turn signal blinking while waiting to pull into a parking lot when suddenly, wham! Another distracted driver – this time a man driving home from visiting his sister in the hospital -- unexpectedly encountered my car. Totaled it. No injuries.
Fast forward a few more years, but not so far as the everyone-has-a-cell-phone days, and I’m driving home on a very busy street when I get a flat tire. No parking lots or driveways nearby so I had to pull over to the curb and leave the car there with the flashers on while I went looking for a phone. Which put my non-mobile car in a driving lane and ... You guessed it. Along came yet another distracted driver, this time a woman rushing to get home from work who didn’t notice my flashers. Wham!
Now we get back to the prayer answering wham. August 31, 2000. I was living in Galesburg, Illinois at the time and had been thinking about moving away because the economic situation in Galesburg was bad and getting worse. My income came mainly from delivering pizza for Pizza Hut and helping personal care clients, with no health insurance or sick day pay. Grandson #1 was born on July 22, and my daughter was encouraging me to join them in Urbana. It would make a lot of sense to do that, financially and family-wise, since I definitely wanted to be an everyday grandma. However I had moved to Galesburg to help establish a Bahá'í community. After several years and a lot of hard tests, I was reluctant to leave because some good things were happening – monthly race unity potlucks, for example – so decided to stay there and re-think the relocation idea in a few months.
On August 31 I was driving back to Pizza Hut after a delivery, and getting ready to ease over into the left turn lane, while at that same moment a Papa John driver was coming out of a KFC parking lot and trying to get across two lanes of traffic in order to turn left in the opposite direction. The woman in the car ahead of me wanted to be nice so she slowed down and waved at the Papa John guy to go ahead and pull out in front of her. At that point the left turn left hadn’t opened up yet so there was no one on her left. But then, suddenly, it did and I was. Wham! Fast Food Hell!
August 31 was the day my lease was supposed to end, and I wouldn’t even have been in Galesburg if I had decided to go ahead with the move. Instead I was still there, only now with a totaled vehicle and a job for which a car was an absolute necessity. But did I pay attention? Nope. I took my insurance settlement and bought another car, an older one that I could purchase outright without payments. This was about the only smart move I made.
Because eight days later, my “new” car was parked in front of my apartment building at about 2:00 a.m. and I was in bed, having come home from a delivery shift not long before, when a neighbor came pounding on my door to tell me my car had been hit. I could barely comprehend the message. Just sort of staggered around in a daze while putting on clothing of some sort and crawling down two flights of stairs to find the way too familiar scene of police lights flashing and another totaled you-know-what. This time the other driver was distracted by an overload of alcohol consumption. He was a young man driving his dad’s now defunct car, one considerably newer than mine, and when I came out of the building he was sitting on the curb hunched over with his head in his hands, the picture of absolute hopelessness.
Please note, by the way, that this was the third time I had been in a car accident without actually being inside a car. Gotta be a record!
Same story, next chapter. I had no vehicle, but still had a job that that required one. If I stayed in Galesburg, that is. But did I pay attention? Nope, I went car shopping again, only this time with little success. I had to shop locally and fast since every day without a car was a day without income. Galesburg is a small town, and all I could quickly find was a Crown Victoria. In other words, a BIG car. It ran, though, and cost a bit less than my new insurance payment, plus the owner promised that it had good gas mileage.
Good gas mileage, right. That car literally cruised down the street sucking up gas stations whole. I would fill the tank and then watch the needle move from F to E as I was driving. And this was the same week that gas prices shot up all over the country, including in Galesburg. But did I pay attention?
Yes, I did. It seemed clear that I was being not so gently pushed out of Galesburg, that those two car accidents plus the Crown Victoria plus the gas price spike amounted to a clear warning to get-out-of-Dodge.
Or maybe I was just afraid to stay. Who knows what would happen next?
-30-
Car accidents have been much too common events in my life. Eight times too common, if I’m remembering all of them. No one who ever rode with me would dispute that I’m a lousy driver. I wouldn’t even dispute it. Yet only two of those eight incidents were my fault. Honest. I’ll prove it.
There was the time that my then 4-year-old daughter and I were on our way from Chicago to Springfield on I-55 (or was that section of highway still called Route 66 back then?) and about halfway there a deer – one that was larger than the Volkswagon Beetle I was driving – leaped out from the side of the road right in front of us. Wham! “Mommy, mommy, look at the big brown dog!” Shock. Surprise that we are still moving. Confusion: what do I do now? Was it really a dog?
OK, I knew it wasn’t a dog. And I soon figured out that we were very lucky, because when it hit my car (I refuse to say that the car hit it) the only point of connection was my driver’s side headlight with the deer’s hip. It was able to finish crossing the road without colliding with any other car and my teeny vehicle, along with the two of us in it, was not crushed into oblivion. Of course, the deer didn’t have insurance, but you can’t win ‘em all.
Later that same year, after we had traded in the Volkswagon for a Ford something-or-other, same daughter and I were crossing an Evanston intersection on a green light and suddenly we weren’t. Crossing, that is. A woman coming the other way, distracted because she was late for the closing on her first house, failed to see her red light in time to stop safely on wet pavement and plowed into us instead. Wham! Seatbelts and child carriers were not required at that time, so my daughter, who was sitting unattached in the front seat, bounced up and down several times, hitting her head against the ceiling of the car each time she went up. Fortunately the hospital found nothing wrong. For those of you who know her, though, now you see where she gets all her bounciness. (Yes, I really said that!)
A couple years later I was sitting – sitting, mind you, not driving – in the correct lane with my left turn signal blinking while waiting to pull into a parking lot when suddenly, wham! Another distracted driver – this time a man driving home from visiting his sister in the hospital -- unexpectedly encountered my car. Totaled it. No injuries.
Fast forward a few more years, but not so far as the everyone-has-a-cell-phone days, and I’m driving home on a very busy street when I get a flat tire. No parking lots or driveways nearby so I had to pull over to the curb and leave the car there with the flashers on while I went looking for a phone. Which put my non-mobile car in a driving lane and ... You guessed it. Along came yet another distracted driver, this time a woman rushing to get home from work who didn’t notice my flashers. Wham!
Now we get back to the prayer answering wham. August 31, 2000. I was living in Galesburg, Illinois at the time and had been thinking about moving away because the economic situation in Galesburg was bad and getting worse. My income came mainly from delivering pizza for Pizza Hut and helping personal care clients, with no health insurance or sick day pay. Grandson #1 was born on July 22, and my daughter was encouraging me to join them in Urbana. It would make a lot of sense to do that, financially and family-wise, since I definitely wanted to be an everyday grandma. However I had moved to Galesburg to help establish a Bahá'í community. After several years and a lot of hard tests, I was reluctant to leave because some good things were happening – monthly race unity potlucks, for example – so decided to stay there and re-think the relocation idea in a few months.
On August 31 I was driving back to Pizza Hut after a delivery, and getting ready to ease over into the left turn lane, while at that same moment a Papa John driver was coming out of a KFC parking lot and trying to get across two lanes of traffic in order to turn left in the opposite direction. The woman in the car ahead of me wanted to be nice so she slowed down and waved at the Papa John guy to go ahead and pull out in front of her. At that point the left turn left hadn’t opened up yet so there was no one on her left. But then, suddenly, it did and I was. Wham! Fast Food Hell!
August 31 was the day my lease was supposed to end, and I wouldn’t even have been in Galesburg if I had decided to go ahead with the move. Instead I was still there, only now with a totaled vehicle and a job for which a car was an absolute necessity. But did I pay attention? Nope. I took my insurance settlement and bought another car, an older one that I could purchase outright without payments. This was about the only smart move I made.
Because eight days later, my “new” car was parked in front of my apartment building at about 2:00 a.m. and I was in bed, having come home from a delivery shift not long before, when a neighbor came pounding on my door to tell me my car had been hit. I could barely comprehend the message. Just sort of staggered around in a daze while putting on clothing of some sort and crawling down two flights of stairs to find the way too familiar scene of police lights flashing and another totaled you-know-what. This time the other driver was distracted by an overload of alcohol consumption. He was a young man driving his dad’s now defunct car, one considerably newer than mine, and when I came out of the building he was sitting on the curb hunched over with his head in his hands, the picture of absolute hopelessness.
Please note, by the way, that this was the third time I had been in a car accident without actually being inside a car. Gotta be a record!
Same story, next chapter. I had no vehicle, but still had a job that that required one. If I stayed in Galesburg, that is. But did I pay attention? Nope, I went car shopping again, only this time with little success. I had to shop locally and fast since every day without a car was a day without income. Galesburg is a small town, and all I could quickly find was a Crown Victoria. In other words, a BIG car. It ran, though, and cost a bit less than my new insurance payment, plus the owner promised that it had good gas mileage.
Good gas mileage, right. That car literally cruised down the street sucking up gas stations whole. I would fill the tank and then watch the needle move from F to E as I was driving. And this was the same week that gas prices shot up all over the country, including in Galesburg. But did I pay attention?
Yes, I did. It seemed clear that I was being not so gently pushed out of Galesburg, that those two car accidents plus the Crown Victoria plus the gas price spike amounted to a clear warning to get-out-of-Dodge.
Or maybe I was just afraid to stay. Who knows what would happen next?
-30-
Sunday, November 1, 2009
Job Talk
Prayers get answered in strange and unpredictable ways.
And trying to put those answers into comprehensible words is like trying to hold a handful of water. But even the most specific and impossible to describe personal moments are also universal experiences, so maybe it’s worth a try.
Recently I had been feeling much too attached to this contingent world and had prayed, very specifically, for help with that situation. "Contingent world" is a term sometimes used in the Bahá'í Writings to designate our physical existence on a material plane bound by the limitations of time and space. A world where it’s easy to get so enmeshed in daily activities and objectives that you forget – or at least, I forget – that the ultimate purpose and goal of life is to acquire spiritual qualities, the only possessions we can take with us when we leave this planet. Bahá'u'lláh says that “death is a messenger of joy,” and so I prayed to have less fear of leaving the life I know now and more assurance about that joy, to know it with certainty and to more fully experience that certainty as a solid reality, as solid as the material things and activities I will leave behind.
Of course, not everyone believes that we take anything with us, because to agree with that statement you have to first believe that we have some kind of existence beyond the death and disintegration of our physical bodies. But I think that most people, whatever their religious inclinations, would agree that human beings are capable of understanding life on levels beyond the physical and therefore can choose to live on those higher levels, both for personal and societal benefit.
We can choose to love rather than hate. To help rather than hurt. To decide what is the most important thing to do rather than just react.
Or we can fail to make a choice and thus make a different choice, one that is based on personal short-term benefit instead of a larger picture.
This is a story about a choice I made one day last week and how my prayer was answered in a way I would never have expected.
My bike had a flat tire so I was hurrying out my front door to walk to the bus stop when I heard the ugly sound of metal scrunching hard against metal, a sound I know too well (but that’s another story), the sound of two cars crashing into each other. I looked across the street and saw a white car angled into the street with its rear end crunched against another car’s front end. The white car looked like my friend’s vehicle, in a general sort of way, which is pretty much the only way I see cars. The white car was stopped just beyond my friend’s driveway. This was the time I’d usually see her leaving for work, while I was getting my bike out of the shed.
Hence, it was a pretty good bet that it was her car, and that she (let’s call her Jenny) was in it when the accident happened, and was still in it.
Do you remember the old angel-and-devil-on-the-shoulders routine, the image sometimes used in movies or cartoons to depict a character’s internal argument about what he or she should do in a given situation? That pretty well describes how I felt at that moment. My angel was saying, get over there, make sure Jenny is OK, see what you can do to help. The devil, practical gal that she is, was saying, naaah, that accident just looks like a fender bender, nothing serious, and if it is serious, what could you do? You’ll just get in the way, you don’t know anything about first aid and you’re hopeless in emergencies anyway. Besides, if you don’t keep moving you’re going to miss the bus and be late for work, so come on, let’s go. Now. Go.
And I did. Go.
As I hurried down the block I looked back and saw that Jenny was out of her car and walking up to the other car. See, said my little devil. See, she’s not hurt. she’s fine, toldyaso!
But a minute later, from the corner where the bus would stop, I heard sirens and saw an ambulance and police car rushing to the accident. See, said my little angel, someone’s hurt. Even if Jenny isn’t the one, she’s bound to be really upset. She needs a friend right now. You’ll just be in the way, hissed the devil. Get over there, shouted the angel. Now. Go.
And I did. Go. Into the bus.
That has to be about the worst bus ride I’ve ever taken, because I felt so horrible about what I had just done, the choice I had made, the kind of person I had shown myself to be. The astonishing level of attachment I had displayed to MY needs, MY schedule, MY priorities, and my evident lack of concern for another human being’s obviously more urgent needs, as well as a lack of understanding of my purpose on this planet.
OK, I know that on a scale of 1 to 10 this lapse in moral judgment is pretty puny compared to other things people have done, even other things I have done. It felt huge, though, and I think it was huge, because as our capacity and understanding grow, so does our responsibility. An action I might once have barely noticed or even seen as a choice now became one of my most painful life experiences.
I tried to make amends by calling Jenny a little while later, figuring by then she would have finished dealing with the accident and be at work. Instead she was still home, and crying. She said the ambulance came because one of the passengers in the other car was pregnant and had been rushed off to the hospital as a precaution. Jenny clearly needed someone with her at that moment, and I was the someone who could have been there, had I chosen to do so.
“Oh Lord, make me a hollow reed from which the pith of self has been blown, that I may become a clear channel through which Thy love may flow to all others.” That’s the lyric in a beautiful song based on Baha’i scripture, one of my favorites. Sitting on the bus, and later at my desk after the phone call, I felt like a reed, all right – one clogged and choked with debris.
I thought about the idea that service is our life purpose, and about how I could have served Jenny’s needs. Maybe by listening while she talked about the accident. Maybe by praying with her. Or making her a cup of tea. Or just sitting with her. Whatever was called for, at that moment when I heard the crash and saw Jenny’s car my real job was to be willing to be that clear channel. Like Scrooge, my definition of work has been altered by a spirit's visit.
I’ve talked to Jenny a couple times since then, and she’s OK. My not being there for her that morning certainly didn’t ruin her life. I’ve apologized to her for not stopping, an apology that was mainly for my benefit because it’s unlikely she expected anything from me or was thinking about me in any way at all. I’ve accepted the experience gratefully as the answer (or at least one answer) to my prayer and stopped agonizing over my poor choice, following the Twelve Step promise to “not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it.”
And I've decided it’s probably no coincidence that I hadn’t taken time that morning to pray and meditate, beyond a couple of quick prayers when I first woke up. Hadn’t stopped in my rushing around to get dressed and make lunch to spend even two minutes to put myself into a still space and reconnect with my God. So the incident also made it clear that such stillness and connection is indispensable.
A couple of days later I read something else that helped put the experience into perspective. “What result is forthcoming from material rest, tranquility, luxury and attachment to this corporeal world? It is evident that the man who pursues these things will in the end become afflicted with regret and loss.”
-30-
And trying to put those answers into comprehensible words is like trying to hold a handful of water. But even the most specific and impossible to describe personal moments are also universal experiences, so maybe it’s worth a try.
Recently I had been feeling much too attached to this contingent world and had prayed, very specifically, for help with that situation. "Contingent world" is a term sometimes used in the Bahá'í Writings to designate our physical existence on a material plane bound by the limitations of time and space. A world where it’s easy to get so enmeshed in daily activities and objectives that you forget – or at least, I forget – that the ultimate purpose and goal of life is to acquire spiritual qualities, the only possessions we can take with us when we leave this planet. Bahá'u'lláh says that “death is a messenger of joy,” and so I prayed to have less fear of leaving the life I know now and more assurance about that joy, to know it with certainty and to more fully experience that certainty as a solid reality, as solid as the material things and activities I will leave behind.
Of course, not everyone believes that we take anything with us, because to agree with that statement you have to first believe that we have some kind of existence beyond the death and disintegration of our physical bodies. But I think that most people, whatever their religious inclinations, would agree that human beings are capable of understanding life on levels beyond the physical and therefore can choose to live on those higher levels, both for personal and societal benefit.
We can choose to love rather than hate. To help rather than hurt. To decide what is the most important thing to do rather than just react.
Or we can fail to make a choice and thus make a different choice, one that is based on personal short-term benefit instead of a larger picture.
This is a story about a choice I made one day last week and how my prayer was answered in a way I would never have expected.
My bike had a flat tire so I was hurrying out my front door to walk to the bus stop when I heard the ugly sound of metal scrunching hard against metal, a sound I know too well (but that’s another story), the sound of two cars crashing into each other. I looked across the street and saw a white car angled into the street with its rear end crunched against another car’s front end. The white car looked like my friend’s vehicle, in a general sort of way, which is pretty much the only way I see cars. The white car was stopped just beyond my friend’s driveway. This was the time I’d usually see her leaving for work, while I was getting my bike out of the shed.
Hence, it was a pretty good bet that it was her car, and that she (let’s call her Jenny) was in it when the accident happened, and was still in it.
Do you remember the old angel-and-devil-on-the-shoulders routine, the image sometimes used in movies or cartoons to depict a character’s internal argument about what he or she should do in a given situation? That pretty well describes how I felt at that moment. My angel was saying, get over there, make sure Jenny is OK, see what you can do to help. The devil, practical gal that she is, was saying, naaah, that accident just looks like a fender bender, nothing serious, and if it is serious, what could you do? You’ll just get in the way, you don’t know anything about first aid and you’re hopeless in emergencies anyway. Besides, if you don’t keep moving you’re going to miss the bus and be late for work, so come on, let’s go. Now. Go.
And I did. Go.
As I hurried down the block I looked back and saw that Jenny was out of her car and walking up to the other car. See, said my little devil. See, she’s not hurt. she’s fine, toldyaso!
But a minute later, from the corner where the bus would stop, I heard sirens and saw an ambulance and police car rushing to the accident. See, said my little angel, someone’s hurt. Even if Jenny isn’t the one, she’s bound to be really upset. She needs a friend right now. You’ll just be in the way, hissed the devil. Get over there, shouted the angel. Now. Go.
And I did. Go. Into the bus.
That has to be about the worst bus ride I’ve ever taken, because I felt so horrible about what I had just done, the choice I had made, the kind of person I had shown myself to be. The astonishing level of attachment I had displayed to MY needs, MY schedule, MY priorities, and my evident lack of concern for another human being’s obviously more urgent needs, as well as a lack of understanding of my purpose on this planet.
OK, I know that on a scale of 1 to 10 this lapse in moral judgment is pretty puny compared to other things people have done, even other things I have done. It felt huge, though, and I think it was huge, because as our capacity and understanding grow, so does our responsibility. An action I might once have barely noticed or even seen as a choice now became one of my most painful life experiences.
I tried to make amends by calling Jenny a little while later, figuring by then she would have finished dealing with the accident and be at work. Instead she was still home, and crying. She said the ambulance came because one of the passengers in the other car was pregnant and had been rushed off to the hospital as a precaution. Jenny clearly needed someone with her at that moment, and I was the someone who could have been there, had I chosen to do so.
“Oh Lord, make me a hollow reed from which the pith of self has been blown, that I may become a clear channel through which Thy love may flow to all others.” That’s the lyric in a beautiful song based on Baha’i scripture, one of my favorites. Sitting on the bus, and later at my desk after the phone call, I felt like a reed, all right – one clogged and choked with debris.
I thought about the idea that service is our life purpose, and about how I could have served Jenny’s needs. Maybe by listening while she talked about the accident. Maybe by praying with her. Or making her a cup of tea. Or just sitting with her. Whatever was called for, at that moment when I heard the crash and saw Jenny’s car my real job was to be willing to be that clear channel. Like Scrooge, my definition of work has been altered by a spirit's visit.
I’ve talked to Jenny a couple times since then, and she’s OK. My not being there for her that morning certainly didn’t ruin her life. I’ve apologized to her for not stopping, an apology that was mainly for my benefit because it’s unlikely she expected anything from me or was thinking about me in any way at all. I’ve accepted the experience gratefully as the answer (or at least one answer) to my prayer and stopped agonizing over my poor choice, following the Twelve Step promise to “not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it.”
And I've decided it’s probably no coincidence that I hadn’t taken time that morning to pray and meditate, beyond a couple of quick prayers when I first woke up. Hadn’t stopped in my rushing around to get dressed and make lunch to spend even two minutes to put myself into a still space and reconnect with my God. So the incident also made it clear that such stillness and connection is indispensable.
A couple of days later I read something else that helped put the experience into perspective. “What result is forthcoming from material rest, tranquility, luxury and attachment to this corporeal world? It is evident that the man who pursues these things will in the end become afflicted with regret and loss.”
-30-
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
