Doors: a personal note

Since I know a lot of you are waiting to hear about the result of my application to graduate school, and because I am inexpressibly grateful for your support, the first thing on today’s agenda is to tell you that the letter came and, as I expected, my application was not accepted. It was a pleasant and encouraging letter, very similar to the ones I send every year to about 90% of the students who apply to the graduate program in the department where I work. As with this whole experience, from GRE exam through getting recommendation letters to final decision, it has been an interesting and instructive adventure to be on the other side of such a familiar fence.


So many people were sure I would get accepted that it was quite gratifying to my writer’s ego, even while I knew – both as a writer and as an admissions coordinator – that the chances of that happening were low. Remember limbo contests? How low can you go? I knew that the probability of acceptance, for me or any candidate, was very very very low, for a variety of reasons. I also knew that the English Department most likely had received a high number of applications this year. The prevailing wisdom says that when the economy goes down, grad school apps go up. If the letter had said I was accepted, I would probably have fainted from sheer shock before I finished reading it. Finally getting the word hurt, but it was more of a sting than a slap.

It was also a release. Other options that I had put in a mental pending file can now be pulled out of the drawer and more carefully considered. I tried to submit the best application possible so have to acknowledge, with joy rather than sorrow, that graduate school, at least in this particular time and place, is not the door that is open to me, and that a closed door over there simply means another door will be open over here. And that God knows which door is the right one for me and for whatever avenues of service are tagged with my name.

These thoughts connect well with the ones I had already started writing for this week’s blog. Due to a Facebook conversation, I had been thinking about the

Bahai belief that there are two simultaneous processes going on in today’s world, one destructive of old ways of thinking and behaving and one constructive, which includes many things that many people are doing to create new building blocks of civilization.

My understanding of this view is that these two processes are as logical for world progress as they are for personal growth and change. For a prosaic example, if I want a new kitchen, I first have to tear apart my old kitchen (the destructive process) to make space to build something better (the constructive process). And during the transition between these two processes I have to live with necessary chaos and inconvenience In that light, the destructive process is a painful but positive step.

On a more personal level, if I want to make space for new spiritual growth I have to be willing to let go of old thoughts and behaviors, to leave and if necessary destroy my comfort zone (the spiritual equivalent of an old, no longer functional kitchen). If an old pattern of thought and action is clearly not working, I need to let it self-destruct while I focus my energies on building new habits. If I ask God for a specific favor, even one that appears inherently beneficial, and the answer is “no,” I need to be grateful for that answer and ready to understand the guidance it provides for other paths of service.

Looking at the world situation in this way can help me stay sane on a planet that seems to be going bonkers. I can choose to focus on building new structures, new patterns, new ways of relating, and (to borrow a Twelve Step program phrase) to “let go and let God” deal with clearing away the rubble of the old. As a member of the Bahá'í comunity, this means doing my part to help develop a spiritually based governmental model that places priority on justice and unity rather than winning power through warring factions. It also means focusing on my participation in, and growing understanding of, our mission to learn and teach specific skills for human interaction, skills that help individuals begin to see themselves as noble beings created to serve one another. I believe and see solid evidence that this task we have been given is ultimately the way to begin changing civilization, from the bottom up.

Whether the mechanism is described as one door closing so another can open, or twin processes of destruction and creation, what it all means to me is accepting the events of my life and moving forward with confidence that the right path will become clear, so long as I keep my eyes, my mind, open.

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